Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”

That’s what the Comedian said after finishing a bit on stage. He always runs his jokes by me first—asking if it’s okay to use certain stories. Honestly? I don’t mind. I know most of it is an exaggerated version of our reality. Once, a woman pulled me aside after a show and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.” But sincerely, I’m okay with it. I’ve gotten used to being the butt of 90% of his jokes.

Happy Relationship, wedding, wedding photos, downtown orlando, grand bohemian, downtown orlando, bride

Comedians talk about what they know. And if they spend most of their lives with you, you're going to make it into their material. I usually just laugh and say, “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s not unlike being a dating blogger. For years, I wrote about my latest heartbreaks, bad dates, and cringe-worthy red flags. Now that I’m in a happy marriage, I find myself scrambling for “good material.” Because let’s be real—no one wants to read about a healthy, functional relationship, right?

Maybe that’s the problem. We love drama. We binge-watch reality TV to make ourselves feel better by comparison. If someone rich and beautiful is falling apart on camera, we feel like we’re doing okay. But lately, people have been coming up to us and asking, “How’s married life?”

And truthfully? It’s great. Nothing has changed. We’re still just two creative souls figuring life out together. He’s the guy who can make you laugh until you cry and then pivot to a deep conversation about society’s evolution. I didn’t even know that kind of balance in a partner existed—but it does. And I’m lucky.

happy relationships, wedding, downtown orlando, wedding photo, railroad, bride, groom

Someone once told me, “Enjoy this time, because you never know when things will change.” And she’s right. I’ve seen friends weather storms in their marriages. But the strong ones—the ones who truly get each other—find their way back. I admire that so much.

During his vows, the Comedian said that you need someone who grows with you and pushes you to be your best self. And that stuck with me. So here’s my challenge: talk about your happy relationship. Share it. Let people know that healthy love exists. Maybe it’ll make the search feel a little less impossible.

P.S. Our wedding video is out. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do!
🎥 Watch it here

A Commitphobe strikes again!

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.

1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.

2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.

He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.

When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.

This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.

I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.

Could you give me any advice, please?

Sincerely,

K

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear K,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.

Second, here's my advice...

I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.

From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.

If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.

Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.

As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.

You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.

Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.

Sincerely,

Val

“What If?” Is a Scary Phrase

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father. Naturally, it got me thinking about my relationship with mine.

The first thing that hit me—hard—was the reminder that life is fleeting. People come and go. Bad things happen, good things happen. There are moments of pure joy and relationships that shape us… and sometimes break us. Some of those memories have even led me into hours of therapy I’m still not sure how I paid for. But I digress.

My younger sister, dad, and me

I didn’t have a close relationship with my dad growing up. He just wasn’t around. That’s not to say he didn’t care—it’s just complicated. Military life comes with its own set of rules. For one, I never had a friend longer than two years. Not because I wasn’t a good friend, but because we all moved constantly. I still remember my best friend from elementary school moving to Alaska. (How were we supposed to keep in touch without the internet back then?)

My dad spent nights on base, weekends in training, and eventually re-enlisted after a short-lived retirement—this time in Panama. Needless to say, he missed some of the most awkward and formative years of my life: the teenage ones. And honestly, I’m still not sure about all the reasons why he wasn’t around more.

Then, when I was about 27, something shifted. Out of nowhere, my dad reappeared and started reaching out consistently. We don’t see each other all the time, but we email regularly. And through those conversations, I’ve started to see parts of myself in him. I finally understand where my personality came from.

Still, I can’t help but wonder about the future.

Even something as joyful as wedding planning has brought its challenges. Getting a response from him about anything is like pulling teeth. And while I want him involved, I feel caught between not wanting to try too hard and fearing the regret of never having tried enough.

I want him to be part of my life now. I want him to be part of my future kids’ lives. I want him to show up—not just for the big events, but the small moments too.

I don’t want to look back and ask, “What if I had tried harder to build that relationship?”
Because, honestly? That’s all I really want.
A better relationship—before it’s too late.

My dad back in the day on the bottom right corner

Commitaphobes vs. Monogamers: How the Runner Fell in Love with the Stayer

A good friend of mine—“Los” (short for Carlos)—and I have had countless conversations about the two very real types of people you meet in the dating world: commitaphobes and monogamers.

I'll admit it. For a long time, I was a full-blown commitaphobe. There was a moment when I was literally on the verge of marriage and all I could think was: how far can I run before he catches on? I’d date just long enough to enjoy the thrill but not long enough to be vulnerable. For me, leaving was safer than the risk of being left.

Turns out, abandonment issues have a funny way of shaping your love life.

Then I met “The Comedian.”

And wouldn’t you know it? He was a textbook monogamer. What’s a monogamer, you ask? It’s someone who’s pretty much always in a relationship. My younger sister is one too—rarely single, always in love, thriving in companionship. Same with my fiancé. He loves being in love.

When I met him, I couldn’t help but wonder: What makes me different from the others? Was I just another long-term situation waiting to fizzle?

I knew I had to be honest from day one. I told him straight up: I’m not dating for the sake of dating. I only do real. And surprisingly… so did he. We had this magnetic pull—maybe it was chemistry, maybe it was divine timing, maybe it was the law of attraction finally giving me what I’d been asking for.

Whatever it was, it changed me.

There was a shift inside me when I met The Comedian. I knew it would take someone truly special for me to finally stay. He’s my Mr. Big. (My ex? Total Aidan. Too nice. Too stable. Too easy to run from.)

relationships, love, dating, the comedian

Over the years, I’ve encountered both monogamers and commitaphobes—and yeah, I’ll admit it: I kind of loved the chase. The guys who were hard to get? That was my jam. The ones who made it too easy? Yawn. I’d bolt the other way. Something about the drama, the tension, the unhealthy challenge (lol)—I was hooked.

Looking back, it was all part of my very own Sex and the City love story. Carrie Bradshaw said it best:

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

the comedian, corks

And somehow, a monogamer and a commitaphobe made it work. He brings out the best in me, and I’m learning—slowly, beautifully—how to be vulnerable. He loves me for my heart, and I love him for helping me grow into someone I didn’t think I could be.

If you’re out there searching for love, maybe you’re a runner too. Maybe you’re waiting for someone to convince you to stay. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your version of Mr. Big who makes you stop running and start trusting.

I know I did.

You're Going to Rue the Day… You Started My Dream

I’ll be completely transparent: I was let go from my 9–5 job on Monday. Most people would expect me to spiral—cue the dramatic thoughts: “Oh no! What am I going to do?” or “I can’t believe that horrible b**ch let me go. She’s going to rue the day she made that decision!”

But truthfully? I don’t feel that way at all.

Instead, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Prayer is a powerful thing—believe that however you will. I hadn’t prayed in a while, but Monday morning I broke the silence. I simply asked, “God, show me where my path to living a dream will take me.”
By that afternoon? Boom. I was let go.

Was it abrupt? Yes. Was the relationship working? Not really. But deep down, I knew I had been using that job as a crutch—an excuse not to pursue what truly sets my soul on fire: writing.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. For a long time, I thought that meant becoming a journalist. But once I realized that would involve telling other people’s stories in a rigid format, I lost interest. I wanted to write my stories. Raw, vulnerable, unfiltered. I wanted to speak truth—not conform.

But instead of chasing that dream, I did what so many of us do: I got a “real” job. I traded my calling for a paycheck. For years.

It wasn’t until 2011—post-heartbreak, searching for purpose—that I picked up the pen again. Someone told me I had talent. And in that moment, I remembered who I was. I remembered the little girl who felt most alive when she was writing.

The rest unfolded from there.

I dipped my toes into freelance work. I told pieces of my story. And now here I am: jobless, terrified, but finally pursuing my passion full-time.

This leap would not be possible without the unwavering support of the Comedian—my partner in creativity, in dreaming, in believing that we were meant to make things. He reminds me often that we weren’t put on this earth to just exist—we were made to create.

Am I still scared? Absolutely. The fear of the unknown is real. But so is my faith.

Today I read a piece on Addicted2Success.com about stepping through fear—and it hit me hard. I’ve been avoiding the very thing I now feel called to: uncertainty. But the truth is, I wasn’t made for the clock-in, clock-out life. I wasn’t built to spend 40 hours a week chasing someone else’s dream. I was made for this.

And even though I don’t know exactly what “this” looks like yet, I know it’s mine.

So no, I’m not bitter. I’m not resentful. If anything, I’m grateful—because that woman didn’t just let me go. She set me free.

The Next Step

It’s been 10 blissful months with the love of my life—The Comedian.
I might get a little sappy in this post, but I promise there’s a point.

We’re taking the next big step: moving in together.
On Sunday, we picked up the keys to our new apartment—our names side by side on the lease. It’s a simple piece of paper, but it represents something huge. Any step with another person deserves thought and care—but sometimes, you just know it’s right.

At his cousin’s birthday party on Saturday night, The Comedian shared something that melted me. His cousin had asked, “This is a big step—are you ready?” And without hesitation (at least in the version I play in my head), he replied:

“When you know it’s the right person, it’s not such a big step. It’s just what’s supposed to happen.”

Cue the internal cartwheels.

That moment stuck with me—not just because it made me swoon, but because it’s true.
We live in a world saturated by reality TV drama and toxic relationships, so we start believing that love is supposed to be hard. But it doesn’t have to be. Peaceful, steady love is a thing—and I’m living proof.

Before dating The Comedian, a friend once told me, “When you know, you know.”
I didn’t fully understand it back then. But now? I get it. There’s something so sacred about feeling at ease with your partner. In past relationships, I’d find myself worrying:
Do I need to babysit him at social events?
Will he embarrass me in front of friends?
Am I going to be the one carrying all the weight?

With The Comedian, none of that crosses my mind. He shows up. He respects me. He sees me.

He’s taught me what it means to be treated the way a woman deserves to be treated.
With kindness. With presence. With peace.

So here’s what I’ll leave you with:
Don’t settle for chaos. Don’t make excuses for someone else’s bad behavior.
Your partner should feel like your safe space—not your stressor.

In my case, he’s my partner in peace. 💛

Being in “Like”: The Bittersweet Start of Something New

Meeting someone you might actually like — and I mean really like — is such a bittersweet kind of magic. I don’t know about you, but I swear I start to morph into a different version of myself. My dating profile? Collecting dust. The flirty texts from lingering maybe-lovers? Left on read. Nights out? Replaced by staying in and wondering what if.

It’s wild how quickly I feel this pull to be loyal to someone I barely even know. But honestly, I wouldn't want to mess up a good thing before it has a chance to bloom. Even when there’s no official commitment, I find myself emotionally investing in the potential.

I have a friend — let’s call him an old flame with bestie energy — who always seems to know when I disappear off the dating radar. The minute I go MIA, he hits me with, “So who is he?” And nine times out of ten, he’s right. Although sometimes, I’m just too tired to swipe and too sober to text anyone I shouldn’t. (Married guy friends who double as late-night pep talkers? Yeah, that’s a whole other post.)

There’s something undeniably electric about this early “getting to know you” phase. It’s like the honeymoon stage before the actual honeymoon stage — full of hope, butterflies, and a sprinkle of delusion. I find myself hoping every buzz on my phone is him. And when it’s not? Slight heartbreak. Micro-disappointment. Cue the inner teenage girl drama.

I’ve been told I’ve got control over pretty much every other area of my life, but when it comes to relationships? Hot mess express. And honestly, it’s true. My Gemini nature wants to dive headfirst into all the feels, all the what-ifs, all the late-night conversations and future daydreams. But then, I have to remind myself: breathe. Be cool. Be a lady.

(Well… a lady who can still laugh at the absurdity of it all.)