The Blog Is Back—Because I Am, Too

I want to do this while it’s still fresh.

I’ve spent the last few days editing all my previous blog posts—reading through the seasons of my life when I was single and when I was married. It’s been an emotional excavation. What prompted me to bring this blog back to life was a comment someone left on an old post. I had hidden the blog pages, but somehow they were still accessible through SEO searches. That comment stirred something in me, waking up a voice I thought had gone quiet.

Since then, I’ve been working on two books based on my life experiences. I needed a space to speak freely, to process what I’ve lived and what I’m still learning—something outside of the structured chapters of a book. I’ll get into more detail about both projects through upcoming blogs, but for now, just know: this relaunch isn’t random. It’s a reclaiming.

What I Thought I Knew About Marriage

The last blog I wrote before pausing was around 2018. A lot has happened. Ironically, one of my final entries was about how dangerous it is to casually bring up divorce in a relationship. At the time, I believed that speaking it into existence could make it real. Because no one goes into a marriage thinking they’ll get divorced.

I saw red flags before the wedding. But the promises made in front of our family and friends gave me hope. I truly wanted to believe this was it. That I could sacrifice passion and sexual desire for stability. I convinced myself that no one has all the qualities you want—and maybe I could live without being desired. I was wrong.

Before we got married, I went on a bachelorette cruise. I met a pastor—yes, a literal pastor—and we had deep conversations about my fear of getting married. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me to get out. But I felt too far gone. Everything was booked. The dress, the venue, the invites. I couldn’t imagine starting over.

The moment that haunted me was when he touched my chin and I flinched.

My ex had told me he wasn’t attracted to the hair on my face. I’d had it lasered off, but with PCOS, it came back. Hirsutism is one of the many symptoms. I knew then that my husband didn’t make me feel beautiful. I was the one pursuing intimacy during our marriage, and that should’ve told me everything.

Finding Myself Again

Reading those old posts, I saw how bold and alive I once was—especially before marriage. I came on strong, sure. But that boldness came from a deep desire to not settle and to claim what I wanted. Looking back, it was also fueled by unhealed abandonment wounds and trauma from my early twenties. Wounds I’ll talk more about soon.

In 2019, I started therapy with a practitioner who uses A.R.T. (Accelerated Resolution Therapy), and it changed my life. I began unpacking the parts of myself I had buried so deeply I didn’t even realize how much they were affecting me.

My need for validation stemmed from having control taken from me during that early trauma. I tried to reclaim power in uncomfortable ways, thinking it would make me feel safe. What I’ve learned since is that I deserve to be loved, valued, and treated like the amazing soul I am. (And by the way—so do you.)

What Healing Has Taught Me

My therapist, Renee, often says that when you begin to heal, you start to see the brokenness in others more clearly. That became painfully true. I started to recognize how much of myself I lost in my marriage—my voice, my confidence, my spark.

I poured so much into meeting my ex-husband’s needs, supporting his passions, hosting his people, tending to our home. But I was left wanting. Yes, I got flowers and the occasional post-it note. But what I craved was connection—the quality time and deep conversations we once had. Instead, our time together was filled with church events, spiritual lectures, and his constant feedback on how I could be a “better Christian.”

This isn’t a post to condemn faith. But one of the books I’m writing exposes how narcissistic pastors and their cult-like influence can seep into intimate relationships. It’s not about painting everyone in the church as manipulative—it’s about naming how my ex used religion to diminish me, while hiding behind it to control me.

From External Validation to Internal Worth

That bottomless need for external validation became dangerous. I had to learn how to validate myself, not rely on a man to do it. And though the healing process is ongoing, I can say with confidence: I’ve changed.

The relationship I’m in now is filling in the cracks that used to feel like canyons. I don’t have to beg to be seen or loved. I’m not waiting to get my needs met—he just meets them. It’s still new, but it feels safe. And that’s something I had long forgotten was possible.

Looking Ahead

I’ve read so many powerful books during this season of growth. I’ve had experiences that redefined what I thought love, healing, and purpose meant. And now that I’ve broken free from that marriage, I’ve had the space to reflect—and even to date again.

Speaking of dating, I just remembered I owe you all a new Bad Date Series installment. (It’s coming, I promise.)

I didn’t want to get back into the dating pool. But in order to save myself from completely losing who I was in that marriage, I had to.

And now… here I am. Back, writing again.

The Things We Hide From Ourselves

Beautiful day in sanford

Having a blog makes life a little bit more interesting. I got an email the other day that someone commented on an old post. Out of curiosity, I clicked the link and started reading through my public journal — a snapshot of my life in the middle of the 2010s. All the bad dates, my eventual marriage, and the mask I wore to survive some of the narcissistic behavior I endured.

Eventually, I landed on the part where I wrote about getting married and how I felt at the time. Looking back now, I can see there were things I was hiding from myself, avoiding the red flags that were already waving. Yes, there were good times — we genuinely had fun together — but it was the daily, quiet moments at home that slowly wore me down. And to be honest, I wasn’t exactly innocent either.

My construction job during that time was exhausting, not just because of the long hours but because of how toxic the environment was. I was the only woman in an office full of men. I was excluded from conversations simply because of my gender. I was on display every single day. It didn’t matter if I wore a turtleneck or an oversized t-shirt; the male gaze was constant. Sometimes I’d go out into the yard to do inventory or quality control, driving the golf cart past workers who would literally stop what they were doing to stare.

One coworker, in particular, would hit on me weekly. There were times we’d be the last ones in the office, and he’d corner me, asking to take me to a hotel. And while I never acted on it, I won’t lie — I was tempted. He was offering something I wasn’t getting at home. My fiancé didn’t pursue me sexually; he didn’t make me feel desired. And here was someone I found attractive making me feel wanted — it took everything in me to say “no.” But I knew I needed to leave that job. The more rejection I faced at home, the more I craved validation elsewhere.

So I quit, under the cover of pursuing a new career in digital marketing — which was only partly true. I did want to change careers, and this gave me the push. Luckily, I landed two clients who paid me enough to get by. But another red flag I ignored was how my husband and I handled money: everything was split. We didn’t share accounts, and he had zero interest in managing finances together. That only changed later, when he became a radical Christian.

Eventually, I lost both clients — one because of a business falling out, the other switching to commission-only pay, which wasn’t sustainable. I hustled for new clients, but it was hard. Many people don’t value content writing; they want to nickel and dime you for everything. As a writer, you have to price everything — writing, editing, admin — into your hourly rate. Getting to $50 an hour was a victory. But during the hard times, my finances took a hit. I asked my husband for help. His response? “I don’t have enough to help.” And that was that. No solution. No conversation. I was his wife, yet left to fend for myself. In that moment, I knew I could never trust or depend on him financially — and that’s heartbreaking for a marriage.

To make things worse, around that time, he forgot to pay the electric bill and the power was shut off. For someone who’s been broke before, that hit a nerve. It triggered my deep need for financial stability. If my own partner wouldn’t support me, who would? I was abandoned — again — like so many times before.

Truthfully, our marriage was doomed from the start. I tried to savor the good moments. People liked him. I convinced myself I couldn’t do better. Never mind that, according to him, I wasn’t even physically his type (his words, not mine). He once told me I had bad breath, facial hair (thanks PCOS), gas in my sleep, and that I wasn’t sexually enticing. I found those words in an email he wrote two years before we even got married. I should’ve left then. But he said he loved me unconditionally. Funny how unconditional love always seemed to come with conditions. I settled for less than I deserved.

His words haunted our entire relationship and colored how I thought he saw me. And yes — I’m not innocent. In my lonely moments, I sought attention elsewhere. When things got bad, my addiction to validation only grew. I wanted to feel wanted. That’s part of why I knew I had to leave the construction job — it was feeding into something dangerous.

It’s strange, stumbling across these old blog posts — entries written during what should’ve been a happy time. I had just married someone I thought was my forever. But beneath the surface, it was already broken.

2017 - The Building Year

Scrolling through my Instagram feed yesterday, I stumbled upon one of my favorite end-of-year traditions—#2017thebestnine. Naturally, I had to join the fun and check out my top nine posts.
The collage made me stop and reflect on just how much has happened this past year.

year in reviwer

Why the “Building Year”?

As I mentioned in my IG post, I made a huge leap: I left my full-time, comfy corporate job to pursue freelance writing full-time.

Let me tell you—it’s freaking scary.

There’s no regular paycheck, no HR department to chase down when payment is delayed. Some clients are consistent, others pay after projects are complete, and a few… well, let’s just say they test my patience.

But somehow, I’ve managed to keep my head above water. And that, my friends, is a win.

One major lesson I learned: Pitching for new work is just as important as doing the work. I also realized that my energy needs to go toward growing Val’s Bytes. Writing is my passion, but this blog is my heart.

My Everlasting Wanderlust

I’ll say it again—I LOVE to travel. The Comedian and I went to Italy and Greece this past year, and it was beyond anything I imagined. The blue waters of Santorini? Unreal. The tomatoes in Sicily? Life-changing.

I told him we only scratched the surface. But… I did promise to give him a six-month break from my travel obsession. (We’ll see how long that lasts.)

the building year

Growth for Val’s Bytes

It’s amazing what happens when you pray with purpose and take action.

This year, I:

• Launched the Love Bits & Bytes podcast

• Earned my matchmaker certification

• Hosted on Throwback Vibez, an online radio station

• Took on new clients and wrote like crazy

Behind the scenes, I’m working on:

• A brand new Val’s Bytes website

• My first ebook—a curated collection of my favorite blogs

• Building out Fox Hunt Digital, a new marketing services brand with a stellar team

I’m also investing in me. There’s so much wisdom in the world—books, courses, tools—that help you grow emotionally and spiritually. If you want recommendations, hit me up. Seriously.

the building year

What’s to Come

In 2018, you’ll start to see everything I’ve been working on come to life. More love coaching, more dating content, more connection.

I sincerely believe our gifts are meant to be shared. Mine? Helping people love themselves deeply so they can attract real, healthy love.

If you're thinking about going freelance or starting something new, let’s talk. I’m here to help you build.

Final Thoughts

Was 2017 hard? Absolutely. But I don’t regret much—except maybe the BBQ that settled permanently on my waistline. 😅

Still, I survived. I grew. I believed in myself. And I built.

If you hate your situation, make a plan to save yourself. Because no one’s coming to rescue you.
You’ve got to be your own hero.

Here’s to a year of courage, clarity, and creation.

See you next year!
—Val 💛

the building year

Bad Dating Habits and How to Fix Them

You’ve been on a few dates, and something’s just not clicking. You’re bringing your best self (or so you think), but you still can’t seem to get past the first or second date. Cue the terrible chick flicks (Christmas Prince, anyone?) and mint chocolate chip ice cream (yes, it’s still the best flavor).
Hate to break it to you, but... sometimes you are the problem.

Let’s talk about the most common bad dating habits—and how to kick them to the curb so you can finally find a relationship that sticks.

🚩 1. Being Too Available

I know you’re excited—he’s hot, you’re vibing, and he finally asked you out. But showing up the second he calls doesn’t leave room for anticipation. And yes, the chase matters.

Try this instead: If he asks to hang out on Friday, say, “I actually have something going on—how about Saturday?”
Now you’re showing that you have a life outside of dating, and that makes you way more appealing.

🚩 2. Not Acting Like You’re Girlfriend Material

Let me explain. If you’re known as the party girl, your place is a hot mess, and you curse like a sailor 24/7… it might be time for a little self-check.
Dating is kind of like an interview—you don’t want to fake it, but you should still put your best foot forward.

Funny story: The Comedian was never on time, but on our first few dates, he made a huge effort to be punctual because he knew I valued it. His mom later revealed his lateness was legendary—I had been bamboozled. But by then, I was in too deep. 😅

Moral of the story? Be the person you want to attract before getting into a relationship.

🚩 3. Being Too Picky

I’m all for having standards, but if you’re holding out for a Christian Grey fantasy, you might be waiting a while.

Make a list of your top 5 non-negotiables. These are the “must-haves” that truly matter to you—values, goals, lifestyle, etc. The rest? Let it go.
Need help? Download my [Dating Terms worksheet] to narrow it down.

🚩 4. Flakiness

This one’s a dealbreaker. Integrity matters. If you say you’re going to show up—show up. If something comes up, just send a quick text. It literally takes five seconds to say, “Hey, I’ve had a rough day. Can we reschedule?”

People remember how you treat their time. Flakiness is a red flag you’re not emotionally ready to date.
(If you're curious, I once dated a notorious flake. The full story’s here → link it up!)

🚩 5. Ignoring Your Insecurities

This one’s big. If you haven’t dealt with your insecurities—abandonment, body image, past trauma—they’ll creep into your dating life.

I’ve been there. I used to lie about my past and apologize constantly because I was insecure. You don’t have to carry shame for things that shaped you.

Do the work. Therapy, journaling, books—whatever helps you heal. Because when you love yourself, you stop choosing people who don’t.

💡 Final Thought

Dating isn’t just about meeting the right person. It’s about becoming someone who’s ready to receive love when it comes. When you’re grounded, self-aware, and committed to your own happiness, the right relationship shows up like magic.

Now go finish that ice cream and start fresh.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Significant Other

Yesterday, I put out a survey on Facebook to ask what people would want their significant other to get them for the holidays. The main consensus I got was that you should really know the person you are in a relationship with. Many of the people responded to receiving gifts that were very personal. If you're still stumped, here are some tips for getting the right gift for that special person in your life.

Gift ideas for the adventurer

Some of us have the wanderlust bug. What would mean more to a person who has a sense of adventure is to plan a getaway to have somewhere they have been hinting. I love to travel so really a trip anywhere outside of my house is ideal. For someone that is more romantic, plan a staycation in your hometown at a beautiful resort where you can lay in bed all day and get massages. For someone who is a little more adventurous, plan a small trip to the mountains to go hiking or by the ocean for a peaceful weekend away.

There is room in your budget for even the smallest trips. Seeking adventure does not have to cost an arm and a leg. It's really the thought that counts. If you need help planning a trip away from home, check out this website Great Value Vacations.

If you have young kids at home, get a babysitter and take your husband or wife for a night on the town.

Gift ideas for the tech geek

These gifts also work well for those who like to be super organized. Courtesy of the Comedian, he feels anyone involved with tech would like to get their wires in order.

The Grid-It Organizer has always been a lifesaver on trips. Usually, the Comedian organized all of our chargers for our phones, laptops, Chromecast, and other things a tech person might need to keep handy.

Along with the organizer, we usually carry an Anker 6-Port USB charger. Instead of having ten power blocks for your different phones, we only have this one charger that we plug all of our devices into. When you're traveling, you could be limited to the number of plugs in your hotel room or space in your bag. Using these two tools help.

If you have a bigger budget, then obviously you can get even more elaborate. The Comedian usually drops hints on the things he wants. Next is a 4K TV but that's not in the budget for this year. I always make sure to check out CNet before buying anything tech related. If your SO knows their stuff, they can smell an imposter from a mile away. You'll want to do your research, check reviews, and make sure you are getting the best gift for your budget.

Gift ideas for the fashionista

Many of my friends are makeup lovers. They invest hundreds of dollars in good quality eyeshadow, blush, eyebrow pencils, and more. If you're a guy and this is not your wheelhouse, it is probably best to stay away from trying to buy makeup for that special lady in your life. This goes the same for shoes and shopping. Pay attention to what your SO is saying especially around the holidays.

I like to keep a special section in my Evernote about the things I would want to buy for my significant other. If you're not sure about your girlfriend or wife's size, don't buy anything clothing related. Trust me. You'll avoid an awkward conversation. Keep it safe and buy a classic piece of jewelry like a solitaire necklace, diamond earrings, or a nice watch. In all honesty, you can never really go wrong with a beautiful piece of jewelry.

Gift ideas for the person who has everything

Sometimes I find myself at a loss. I know my husband well enough to know he needs socks, undershirts, or random stuff for his office but I feel that lacks personalization. If you're like me and you want to get your significant other something different, something special, or something out of the ordinary. Give them an experience. Once my cousin's girlfriend gifted a day in his dream car. I don't recall the car, but it was about the experience rather than a physical gift.

Another idea if someone is a sports enthusiast, get them tickets to watch their favorite team, or make a trip out of it by taking them away for a weekend to watch a game. I know I would love some tickets to a New York Giants or Florida Gators game. Shoot... I haven't been to Gainesville, Florida in years!

Etsy has tons of personalized, handmade items that make any gift extra special. Be sure to read the reviews of those who have previously bought items. I'm a review reading maniac, and I haven't been unsatisfied with anything I bought on Etsy so far.

My overall point is to pay attention. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is a sneakerhead, then they'll want sneakers. If they like comedy, get them tickets to see their favorite comedian perform. The consensus I got from they survey online is gifting an experience is much more impressive than a physical gift.

If you need direction on what to get your loved one for the holidays, feel free to reach out to me at val@valsbytes.com.

Happy shopping!!

(There are affiliate links in this blog post)

Is it Too Early to Bring My SO to Meet My Family?

It’s official—you’ve been cuffed! After dating your fair share of dreamboats and duds, you finally found someone worth keeping around. Congrats! But now that the holidays are here, you're asking yourself that age-old question:
Is it too early to introduce them to my family?

Before making any big moves, grab your favorite yellow legal pad (or Notes app) and let’s do a little soul-searching. Here’s a handy checklist of questions to help you decide if it’s time to bring your SO into the family fold—or wait it out.

👀 Know Your Audience

One of the realest fears about introducing a significant other to your family is the unpredictable dinner table conversation. Your sweet new boo could find themselves smack in the middle of a heated debate about health care policy—and there’s no escape. Your abuelita might say something wildly inappropriate two seconds into dinner. Someone will ask when you’re getting married. Someone else will ask if you're pregnant. It's chaos.

So here’s the test:
Can your SO handle your family’s brand of crazy?

Pay attention to how they respond to awkward or tense situations in day-to-day life. Give them a heads-up about your family’s quirks and political landmines. If they take it in stride and you see them unbothered by the chaos?
You’ve got a good one.

I’ve been there. I once dated a guy with cowboy boots and a gold grill. That’s not a joke—that’s real life. I hid him from my friends and family because I knew there would be backlash. And I was right.

Which brings me to the next point...

🧭 Define the Relationship

Cuffing season is cute, but it’s not always long-term. If you’re dating someone to stay warm this winter, but already planning your Valentine’s Day exit strategy, please don’t introduce them to your family. That’s just messy.

Bringing a temporary fling to a holiday party sends mixed messages—to them and to your family. It sets up false hope and unnecessary drama.

On the other hand, if this person feels like someone you want around after February... by all means, bring them into your world. Your family is probably dying to meet the person who makes you light up when you talk about them.

⏰ Is It the Right Time?

Maybe it’s been a few weeks. Maybe it’s been a few months.
Spoiler: Length doesn’t matter. (Not here, anyway.)

It’s about how you feel.

A wise friend once told me, “When you know, you know.”
It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. When it’s right, it feels different than anything before.

The holidays are one of the most social times of the year. You probably see your family more now than any other time. So if you’re itching to show off your relationship—but you’re unsure—take a step back and run through these questions:

• Are you proud to be with this person?

• Can they roll with your family dynamic?

• Are you in it for the long haul?

If you’re nodding “yes,” then prep your partner for a crash course in family traditions and awkward questions. Because ready or not... it’s time to meet the crew.

Is it Rabbit Season? No, it's Cuffing Season

For the past few weeks, I've been dropping the phrase cuffing season on social media and in conversation. Most of you gave me a puzzled look—and that’s okay! It’s a fairly new term for something that’s been happening forever. I first heard it a few years ago, right around the time I got engaged to The Comedian. I used to think it only applied to engagements, but I was wrong. It’s deeper than that.

Cuffing season is what this cozy, chilly time of year does to people emotionally. Between November and February, studies show that men are 15% more likely to get into a relationship. That’s right—the cold has a way of heating up the dating scene.

🧣 What is Cuffing Season?

I’m still not sure why the word cuff stuck—personally, I vote for Cuddling Season. But alas, here we are. According to psychologist and matchmaking CEO Sameera Sullivan:

“Cuffing season is that period of time between fall and the dead of winter when people start looking for someone they can spend those long, frigid months with.”

Sounds about right. It’s less about lifelong romance and more about someone to share hot cocoa and Netflix with. And, let’s be real—also about avoiding awkward questions from your grandmother who still wants to know when you’re getting married. (Now that I'm married, she's asking when we’re having kids. I just sip my wine and walk away.)

Let’s face it—being alone during the holidays can be tough. Everyone else seems to have a plus-one for Christmas parties and a midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve. Wanting a temporary companion? Totally understandable.

🚩 Beware of Serial Cuffers

Before you go tossing out your granny panties, let’s talk red flags. Some men (and women) are serial cuffers—they grab a cozy companion for the season, then conveniently break up just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Well, February 14 implies commitment... and Spring Break is around the corner. Do the math.

Watch out for the types who say, “You’re different,” while keeping you at arm’s length. Ask about their dating history and patterns. Don’t be afraid to clarify your intentions early on.

On the bright side, cuffing season may also signal the slow death of hookup culture. There’s something refreshing about the return of actual time spent together, beyond Tinder swipes. Hot cocoa, fireplaces, fuzzy socks? Sign me up.

💡 How Do I Get Cuffed?

If you’re tired of casual dating, cuffing season is the perfect time to shift gears.

Start with your mindset. Picture yourself in a relationship. Act like you’re already in one (yes, even when no one’s around). Set the tone—and the universe has a funny way of catching on.

Next: know what you want. What are your non-negotiables? Print out my Dating Terms worksheet and narrow down the top 5 qualities you must have in a partner.

Once you’ve got that clarity, put yourself out there—on purpose. Join a dating site with serious candidates (I may be biased, but Match.com is my favorite—it’s how I met The Comedian). Or simply get out of the house and reconnect with real people in real places. Love isn’t always digital.

💌 Need Help Navigating Cuffing Season?

If you need a little nudge—or a full-on matchmaking fairy godmother—I’m here. Drop me a line. I’ll help you get clear, get cuffed (the good kind), and get what you’re really looking for.